Jokes

Page 2 of 4 Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by icefyre on Sun 21 Nov - 17:16:40

Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I’m not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." say’s the reporter and starts again.

"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.
"I’m not a City fan either," the boy say’s.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan. What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I’m a Liverpool fan." the boy said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."

_________________
avatar
icefyre

Registration date : 2008-11-10

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by vincefantastic on Sun 21 Nov - 19:02:00

the other night the was asked me where i would like to be burried . apparently`face first in cherly coles fanny ` was not the responce she was expecting

_________________

avatar
vincefantastic

Registration date : 2010-04-03

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Fuggut on Sun 21 Nov - 22:53:02

Boyfriend "Is it In?"
Girlfriend "Ngghaah, Its too tight, it wont fit, it hurts!"
Boyfriend "Maybe if I try to wiggle it around it will go in better"
Girlfriend "N-no take it out!"
Boyfriend "Fine then, Give me a minute, i'll get a bigger shoe size"

_________________
avatar
Fuggut

Registration date : 2010-09-08

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bounty on Mon 22 Nov - 6:51:15

Whats worse than being captured by the taliban...?
Being rescued by the Americans.

A man goes into a pet shop, on display is a "talking centipede", he thinks. 'wicked' and takes the creature home in a riddled shoebox. He arrives home and opens the box and says, 'Would you like to go for a pint?', with no response, he raises his voice, 'Would You Like To Go For A Pint'?, without an answer, the man thinking he has been done, he once more screams, 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A PINT'? The centipede removes its head from the box and replies 'I heard you the first time, im putting my shoes on.'

_________________
avatar
Bounty
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Vincent on Mon 22 Nov - 7:05:01

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

_________________

Vincent
*NwA* Administrator
*NwA* Administrator

Registration date : 2010-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bounty on Tue 23 Nov - 7:54:03

A man at a bar, crying, has had a rough day, he sits there with his pepsi when all of a sudden a regular drinker comes in and pinches his drink, in gone go, gone.

The man cries more intensely now, the drinker says Oh im sorry, here, let me get you another drink, quick to reply the man says No. You dont understand! My Wife left me, I lost my home, and you just drank my suicide pill!

_________________
avatar
Bounty
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by bullyhouse on Sat 4 Dec - 19:10:13

i hear the shops are running out of milk because of the cold and snow!

luckly, my elderly neighbour at no. 67 has a weeks worth on her door step! Wink

_________________
avatar
bullyhouse

Registration date : 2008-11-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by kopite73 on Sat 4 Dec - 22:29:32

the wife's been standing at the window ever since this snow started , if it gets any worse i might let her in doors.
avatar
kopite73
Kop
Kop

Registration date : 2008-10-31

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Daze on Sun 5 Dec - 10:00:30

lol

_________________
Regards Daze

Avicii - Levels
avatar
Daze
*NwA* Administrator
*NwA* Administrator

Registration date : 2008-10-25

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Metal.G3ar.So1id on Sun 5 Dec - 17:21:23

ukVandal wrote:Copied this from PBBans forums. It made me spit coffee all over my keyboard lol


> The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The > IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. > The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no > full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money > gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." > > "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a > demonstration?" > > The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, > "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." > > The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." > > Ralph removes hi s glass eye and bites it. > > The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand > dollars that I can bite my other eye." > > The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. > > Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. > > The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, > with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. > > "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand > dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that > wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in > between." > > The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and > decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees > again. > > Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he > strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on > other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. > > The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major > loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in > his hands. > > "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. > > "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd > been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he > could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy > about it."

A b s o l u t e l y B r i l l i a n t !

That really was awesome Vandal

_________________

Metal.G3ar.So1id
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2009-02-24

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bounty on Mon 6 Dec - 7:26:10

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do they all have to?

_________________
avatar
Bounty
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Vincent on Mon 6 Dec - 7:30:27

lol bownty

_________________

Vincent
*NwA* Administrator
*NwA* Administrator

Registration date : 2010-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Zer0 on Fri 17 Dec - 22:49:03

If you choke a smurf, what color does he turns?

_________________

Money talks.It's very true. They usually say good bye.
avatar
Zer0
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by H.sta on Sat 18 Dec - 12:21:51

Zer0 wrote:choke a smurf

is that what you call it these days :p
avatar
H.sta

Registration date : 2010-12-04

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by ViciousAxel on Wed 29 Dec - 0:23:23

A man has been getting really bad migraines for a month, so he decides to go and see a doctor. The doctor examines him and eventually says to the man that it can be cured. The man asks how, and the doctor explains that the only way to cure it is to castrate him. The man goes ahead with it, and right enough, his migraines stop. He walks out of the doctors and is feeling so good he decides that he wants to buy himself a new suit. He goes and gets measured for one, and the tailor takes all his measurements. When the tailor tells the man what his chest measurement is, the man disagrees. "No, I'm sure its an inch smaller than that," the man says
"No, its definitely 42." Replies the tailor.
"Just give me a 41 inch jacket" The man says
The tailor then says "Well, I can if you want, but it'll give you terrible migraines."

ViciousAxel

Registration date : 2010-11-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Wed 29 Dec - 0:54:18

VOODOO d**k !!

A couple are celebrating there 5th year together so the man decides
he should buy her something special. He enters a sex shop and looks at a few dildo's ... After a few minutes go by nothing grabs his attention. So he ask's the owner, Am after something Special for the mrs Any ideas... The owner takes the man to the back room and says right i just got these in from Japan there called VOODOO d**k'S !!

Watch this the owner says, VOODOO d**k THE DOOR - the dildo shoots right at the door and starts banging the sh!t out of it, the man is amazed he says HOLY s**t ill take it how does it work? the owner tells him just tell it what ever you want it to do Sweeeeet says the man... anywayz hes heading home wen the police pull him over. the officer walks up 2 his window and says can i see your license plz sir Everything is ok b4 he leaves he looks over his lap and says what is that on your passanger seat sir, man says oo thats just a voodoo d**k the officer laughs and replies HAHA VOODOO d**k MY ARSE
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by bullyhouse on Tue 25 Jan - 18:12:44

I'm in trouble the wife.......
We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.

_________________
avatar
bullyhouse

Registration date : 2008-11-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by vincefantastic on Sat 12 Feb - 12:35:21

eskimo on holiday in wales when his car breaks down . welsh mechanic takes a look under the bonnet and says "you`ve blown a seal". eskimo replies "so what - you f**k sheep!"

_________________

avatar
vincefantastic

Registration date : 2010-04-03

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Sat 12 Feb - 14:19:09

hahaha
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Chris_Kampfgurke on Sun 27 Feb - 11:50:09

To go back to the questions like "the smurf":

If a research is testing sex toys, is "Satisfactory" better then "Exelent"?
avatar
Chris_Kampfgurke
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2011-01-09

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bounty on Thu 3 Mar - 21:02:21

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7En0z2A38c

Psssh, I wear my sandals with socks anytime
Might be worth looking up "Toujours Seule"..*hint*

_________________
avatar
Bounty
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Fri 4 Mar - 16:46:34

Hate it when i see scousers on holiday Doing that...

WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING !!
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Delta on Sun 6 Mar - 15:24:39

Fred and Joe are a newly married gay couple. They dont have much money, so they spend their first married night together at Fred's parent's house.

In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny asks his mum, "Are Fred and Joe up yet?"
His mum replies "No". "You know what I think?" says little Johnny.
"I don't want to know what you think! Now go to school Johnny", replies his mother.

When Johnny gets home for lunch, he asks his mum again, "Are Fred and Joe up yet?"
His mum again replies "No". "You know what I think?" says little Johnny.
"Johnny, I don't want to know what you think! Now go back to school.

Johnny gets home from school and again asks his mum, "Are Fred and Joe up yet?"
His mum says "No". When little Johnny says "You know what I think?", His mum turns round and shouts "WHAT Johnny, WHAT do you think?"

"I think...." stammers Johnny. "Well, last night Fred came into my room to get the Vaseline, and I THINK, I gave him my model aeroplane glue by mistake..."

_________________



Viglen wrote:No admins in game at the moment sorry our real life schedule has had an affect on your PR experience
avatar
Delta
*NwA* Administrator
*NwA* Administrator

Registration date : 2008-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Sun 6 Mar - 15:32:45

R O F L
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Zer0 on Mon 7 Mar - 11:48:54

Men=sleeping+eating+playing+working

Pigs=eating+sleeping

Sunstituting terms, we have : Men=Pigs + Playing + working

If we substract Playing from both sides we got: Men - Playing = Pigs+working
Translated,it means "Men who are not playing are just working pigs"


Last edited by Zer0 on Tue 8 Mar - 12:26:21; edited 1 time in total

_________________

Money talks.It's very true. They usually say good bye.
avatar
Zer0
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Chris_Kampfgurke on Mon 7 Mar - 18:13:52

dam right, zero, dam right...
avatar
Chris_Kampfgurke
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2011-01-09

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by zygizz on Mon 14 Mar - 17:36:22

Stay classy NwA community! :D

Open 3 tabs in same time:
Tab 1: www.rainymood.com/
Tab 2: www.endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k
Tab 3: www.endlessvideo.com/watch?v=DIx3aMRDUL4

_________________
In game nick : OrangeRPG

zygizz

Registration date : 2010-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Vincent on Mon 14 Mar - 18:38:51

Haha thats classic!

_________________

Vincent
*NwA* Administrator
*NwA* Administrator

Registration date : 2010-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Mon 14 Mar - 20:38:16

Nice =]

Could just picture myself there then if i closed my eyes >.<

Rolling a paper plane and drinkin a cold yori gella... Heaven
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Snippers on Mon 14 Mar - 21:44:31

Loving that Orange, very stylish and nice :D

Snippers

Registration date : 2009-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Chris_Kampfgurke on Fri 18 Mar - 23:55:27

Nice ones.
This is another good song matching the rain and the fire loop:
Eric Mongrain - La dernière pluie
http://www.endlessvideo.com/watch?v=XiLhXgoQuUk
Matches the rain perfectly, just like the title of the song says: The last rain :D
avatar
Chris_Kampfgurke
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2011-01-09

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Chris_Kampfgurke on Sun 20 Mar - 11:50:41

Back to the topic of jokes:

Dear vodka "Rusian Standart",

We had a deal last night:
You were supposed to make me smarter, funnier and a better dancer.
I saw the video...
WE NEED TO TALK!
avatar
Chris_Kampfgurke
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2011-01-09

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Alchemist on Sun 20 Mar - 12:14:33

about vodka and ... tape :O

http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=25888

_________________
avatar
Alchemist
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-06-14

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Chris_Kampfgurke on Sun 20 Mar - 22:31:07

affraid Jaw :lool:
avatar
Chris_Kampfgurke
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2011-01-09

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Zer0 on Mon 21 Mar - 5:21:26

Military Bar Guide

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

_________________

Money talks.It's very true. They usually say good bye.
avatar
Zer0
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Mad-Mike on Thu 24 Mar - 22:37:10

Did you hear about the NEW Camoflauged condoms?
Apparently they are ideal because no one can see you cuming!!

_________________

avatar
Mad-Mike

Registration date : 2009-06-07

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Fri 25 Mar - 12:07:10

party3
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bounty on Fri 25 Mar - 16:13:52

It has emerged that this year's cheese rolling festival has been cancelled due to threats sent to the organisers over the proposed £20 entry fee, one customer said "£20 for a cheese roll? I'd might as well go to greggs!"

_________________
avatar
Bounty
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bang2Rights on Tue 5 Apr - 10:17:13

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision
to take advantage of the British government's
'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Scouse youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about
by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths
from Croxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds
with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent,
bold move by the Ferrari management team
as most races are won and lost in the pits,
giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session,
not only was the Liverpool pit crew able
to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but,
within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged
and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella,
a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

_________________

 


Bang2Rights

Registration date : 2009-06-10

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by deadly22sniper on Tue 5 Apr - 15:40:18

Teehee. :D
avatar
deadly22sniper
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2008-11-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by DeK_Thrasher on Mon 18 Apr - 13:17:23

These are all awesome! im for sure going to use them all!

The best one tho.... has to be the elephant c**k one.... too funny ror

_________________
Let Slip The Dogs Of WAR







avatar
DeK_Thrasher

Registration date : 2011-04-10

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Mad-Mike on Fri 29 Apr - 20:16:19

If I was to flip a coin with Kate Middletons face on it, i'd hope to get head every time!

_________________

avatar
Mad-Mike

Registration date : 2009-06-07

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Jay Scott on Fri 29 Apr - 22:06:10

thumbsup
avatar
Jay Scott

Registration date : 2010-10-12

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by zygizz on Sat 14 May - 9:06:52


_________________
In game nick : OrangeRPG

zygizz

Registration date : 2010-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Nixy23 on Sun 19 Jun - 15:54:56

What is the most offensive joke? Find out here :p

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/1355771/298e9e24/dumpert_comedy.html


And this is how Al Qaeda really practices terrorism!

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/9559/5db2810f/alkaida.html
avatar
Nixy23

Registration date : 2011-05-01

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by JToTheDog on Fri 24 Jun - 9:40:24

hahaha the last one was funny as hell Nixy

_________________
kopite73 - "It's a lot more for than just guarding a bush ... I once got to drive in a jeep"
avatar
JToTheDog

Registration date : 2010-06-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by bullyhouse on Tue 12 Jul - 17:29:15

these guys are funny as fook......

amateur transplants

the beatiful song

_________________
avatar
bullyhouse

Registration date : 2008-11-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Vincent on Tue 12 Jul - 18:15:29

lool bully

_________________

Vincent
*NwA* Administrator
*NwA* Administrator

Registration date : 2010-10-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by deadly22sniper on Tue 12 Jul - 18:35:14

Heh, London Underground and Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin are still the best.
avatar
deadly22sniper
*NwA* Clan Member
*NwA* Clan Member

Registration date : 2008-11-30

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Bounty on Tue 12 Jul - 18:42:05

Guy 1 : If you woke up while camping covered in sweat, piss, sperm and with a burning ass, would you tell anyone?

Guy 2 : No...

Guy 1 : Oh good, want to go camping?

_________________
avatar
Bounty
*NwA* Admin
*NwA* Admin

Registration date : 2010-09-13

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 2 of 4 Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum