Re: Jokes

by icefyre Sun 21 Nov - 17:16:40

Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I’m not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." say’s the reporter and starts again.

"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.
"I’m not a City fan either," the boy say’s.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan. What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I’m a Liverpool fan." the boy said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."

by vincefantastic Sun 21 Nov - 19:02:00

the other night the was asked me where i would like to be burried . apparently`face first in cherly coles fanny ` was not the responce she was expecting

by **Fuggut** Sun 21 Nov - 22:53:02

Boyfriend "Is it In?"
Girlfriend "Ngghaah, Its too tight, it wont fit, it hurts!"
Boyfriend "Maybe if I try to wiggle it around it will go in better"
Girlfriend "N-no take it out!"
Boyfriend "Fine then, Give me a minute, i'll get a bigger shoe size"

by **Bounty** Mon 22 Nov - 6:51:15

Whats worse than being captured by the taliban...?
Being rescued by the Americans.

A man goes into a pet shop, on display is a "talking centipede", he thinks. 'wicked' and takes the creature home in a riddled shoebox. He arrives home and opens the box and says, 'Would you like to go for a pint?', with no response, he raises his voice, 'Would You Like To Go For A Pint'?, without an answer, the man thinking he has been done, he once more screams, 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A PINT'? The centipede removes its head from the box and replies 'I heard you the first time, im putting my shoes on.'

by **Vincent** Mon 22 Nov - 7:05:01

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

by **Bounty** Tue 23 Nov - 7:54:03

A man at a bar, crying, has had a rough day, he sits there with his pepsi when all of a sudden a regular drinker comes in and pinches his drink, in gone go, gone.

The man cries more intensely now, the drinker says Oh im sorry, here, let me get you another drink, quick to reply the man says No. You dont understand! My Wife left me, I lost my home, and you just drank my suicide pill!

by bullyhouse Sat 4 Dec - 19:10:13

i hear the shops are running out of milk because of the cold and snow!

luckly, my elderly neighbour at no. 67 has a weeks worth on her door step! Wink

by **kopite73** Sat 4 Dec - 22:29:32

the wife's been standing at the window ever since this snow started , if it gets any worse i might let her in doors.

by **Daze** Sun 5 Dec - 10:00:30

by Metal.G3ar.So1id Sun 5 Dec - 17:21:23

ukVandal wrote:Copied this from PBBans forums. It made me spit coffee all over my keyboard lol

> The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The > IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. > The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no > full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money > gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." > > "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a > demonstration?" > > The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, > "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." > > The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." > > Ralph removes hi s glass eye and bites it. > > The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand > dollars that I can bite my other eye." > > The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. > > Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. > > The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, > with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. > > "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand > dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that > wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in > between." > > The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and > decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees > again. > > Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he > strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on > other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. > > The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major > loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in > his hands. > > "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. > > "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd > been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he > could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy > about it."

A b s o l u t e l y B r i l l i a n t !

That really was awesome Vandal

by **Bounty** Mon 6 Dec - 7:26:10

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do they all have to?

by **Vincent** Mon 6 Dec - 7:30:27

lol bownty

by **Zer0** Fri 17 Dec - 22:49:03

If you choke a smurf, what color does he turns?

by **H.sta** Sat 18 Dec - 12:21:51

Zer0 wrote:choke a smurf

is that what you call it these days :p

by ViciousAxel Wed 29 Dec - 0:23:23

A man has been getting really bad migraines for a month, so he decides to go and see a doctor. The doctor examines him and eventually says to the man that it can be cured. The man asks how, and the doctor explains that the only way to cure it is to castrate him. The man goes ahead with it, and right enough, his migraines stop. He walks out of the doctors and is feeling so good he decides that he wants to buy himself a new suit. He goes and gets measured for one, and the tailor takes all his measurements. When the tailor tells the man what his chest measurement is, the man disagrees. "No, I'm sure its an inch smaller than that," the man says
"No, its definitely 42." Replies the tailor.
"Just give me a 41 inch jacket" The man says
The tailor then says "Well, I can if you want, but it'll give you terrible migraines."

by Jay Scott Wed 29 Dec - 0:54:18

VOODOO d**k !!

A couple are celebrating there 5th year together so the man decides
he should buy her something special. He enters a sex shop and looks at a few dildo's ... After a few minutes go by nothing grabs his attention. So he ask's the owner, Am after something Special for the mrs Any ideas... The owner takes the man to the back room and says right i just got these in from Japan there called VOODOO d**k'S !!

Watch this the owner says, VOODOO d**k THE DOOR - the dildo shoots right at the door and starts banging the sh!t out of it, the man is amazed he says HOLY s**t ill take it how does it work? the owner tells him just tell it what ever you want it to do Sweeeeet says the man... anywayz hes heading home wen the police pull him over. the officer walks up 2 his window and says can i see your license plz sir Everything is ok b4 he leaves he looks over his lap and says what is that on your passanger seat sir, man says oo thats just a voodoo d**k the officer laughs and replies HAHA VOODOO d**k MY ARSE

by bullyhouse Tue 25 Jan - 18:12:44

I'm in trouble the wife.......
We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.

by vincefantastic Sat 12 Feb - 12:35:21

eskimo on holiday in wales when his car breaks down . welsh mechanic takes a look under the bonnet and says "you`ve blown a seal". eskimo replies "so what - you f**k sheep!"

by Jay Scott Sat 12 Feb - 14:19:09

hahaha

by Chris_Kampfgurke Sun 27 Feb - 11:50:09

To go back to the questions like "the smurf":

If a research is testing sex toys, is "Satisfactory" better then "Exelent"?

by **Bounty** Thu 3 Mar - 21:02:21

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7En0z2A38c

Psssh, I wear my sandals with socks anytime
Might be worth looking up "Toujours Seule"..*hint*

by Jay Scott Fri 4 Mar - 16:46:34

Hate it when i see scousers on holiday Doing that...

WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING !!

by **Delta** Sun 6 Mar - 15:24:39

Fred and Joe are a newly married gay couple. They dont have much money, so they spend their first married night together at Fred's parent's house.

In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny asks his mum, "Are Fred and Joe up yet?"
His mum replies "No". "You know what I think?" says little Johnny.
"I don't want to know what you think! Now go to school Johnny", replies his mother.

When Johnny gets home for lunch, he asks his mum again, "Are Fred and Joe up yet?"
His mum again replies "No". "You know what I think?" says little Johnny.
"Johnny, I don't want to know what you think! Now go back to school.

Johnny gets home from school and again asks his mum, "Are Fred and Joe up yet?"
His mum says "No". When little Johnny says "You know what I think?", His mum turns round and shouts "WHAT Johnny, WHAT do you think?"

"I think...." stammers Johnny. "Well, last night Fred came into my room to get the Vaseline, and I THINK, I gave him my model aeroplane glue by mistake..."

by Jay Scott Sun 6 Mar - 15:32:45

R O F L

by **Zer0** Mon 7 Mar - 11:48:54

Men=sleeping+eating+playing+working

Pigs=eating+sleeping

Sunstituting terms, we have : Men=Pigs + Playing + working

If we substract Playing from both sides we got: Men - Playing = Pigs+working
Translated,it means "Men who are not playing are just working pigs"

by Chris_Kampfgurke Mon 7 Mar - 18:13:52

dam right, zero, dam right...

by zygizz Mon 14 Mar - 17:36:22

Stay classy NwA community!

Open 3 tabs in same time:
Tab 1: www.rainymood.com/
Tab 2: www.endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k
Tab 3: www.endlessvideo.com/watch?v=DIx3aMRDUL4

by **Vincent** Mon 14 Mar - 18:38:51

Haha thats classic!

by Jay Scott Mon 14 Mar - 20:38:16

Nice =]

Could just picture myself there then if i closed my eyes >.<

Rolling a paper plane and drinkin a cold yori gella... Heaven

by Snippers Mon 14 Mar - 21:44:31

Loving that Orange, very stylish and nice

by Chris_Kampfgurke Fri 18 Mar - 23:55:27

Nice ones.
This is another good song matching the rain and the fire loop:
Eric Mongrain - La dernière pluie
http://www.endlessvideo.com/watch?v=XiLhXgoQuUk
Matches the rain perfectly, just like the title of the song says: The last rain

by Chris_Kampfgurke Sun 20 Mar - 11:50:41

Back to the topic of jokes:

Dear vodka "Rusian Standart",

We had a deal last night:
You were supposed to make me smarter, funnier and a better dancer.
I saw the video...
WE NEED TO TALK!

by **Alchemist** Sun 20 Mar - 12:14:33

about vodka and ... tape :O

http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=25888

by Chris_Kampfgurke Sun 20 Mar - 22:31:07

:

:

by **Zer0** Mon 21 Mar - 5:21:26

Military Bar Guide

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

by Mad-Mike Thu 24 Mar - 22:37:10

Did you hear about the NEW Camoflauged condoms?
Apparently they are ideal because no one can see you cuming!!
Jokes - Page 2 Camo-condom

by Jay Scott Fri 25 Mar - 12:07:10

by **Bounty** Fri 25 Mar - 16:13:52

It has emerged that this year's cheese rolling festival has been cancelled due to threats sent to the organisers over the proposed £20 entry fee, one customer said "£20 for a cheese roll? I'd might as well go to greggs!"

by Bang2Rights Tue 5 Apr - 10:17:13

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision
to take advantage of the British government's
'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Scouse youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about
by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths
from Croxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds
with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent,
bold move by the Ferrari management team
as most races are won and lost in the pits,
giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session,
not only was the Liverpool pit crew able
to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but,
within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged
and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella,
a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

by **deadly22sniper** Tue 5 Apr - 15:40:18

Teehee.

by **DeK_Thrasher** Mon 18 Apr - 13:17:23

These are all awesome! im for sure going to use them all!

The best one tho.... has to be the elephant c**k one.... too funny ror

by Mad-Mike Fri 29 Apr - 20:16:19

If I was to flip a coin with Kate Middletons face on it, i'd hope to get head every time!

by Jay Scott Fri 29 Apr - 22:06:10

by zygizz Sat 14 May - 9:06:52

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYw8HjN21bk&feature=player_embedded

by Nixy23 Sun 19 Jun - 15:54:56

What is the most offensive joke? Find out here :p

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/1355771/298e9e24/dumpert_comedy.html

And this is how Al Qaeda really practices terrorism!

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/9559/5db2810f/alkaida.html

by JToTheDog Fri 24 Jun - 9:40:24

hahaha the last one was funny as hell Nixy

by bullyhouse Tue 12 Jul - 17:29:15

these guys are funny as fook......

amateur transplants

the beatiful song

by **Vincent** Tue 12 Jul - 18:15:29

lool bully

by **deadly22sniper** Tue 12 Jul - 18:35:14

Heh, London Underground and Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin are still the best.

by **Bounty** Tue 12 Jul - 18:42:05

Guy 1 : If you woke up while camping covered in sweat, piss, sperm and with a burning ass, would you tell anyone?

Guy 2 : No...

Guy 1 : Oh good, want to go camping?

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