Bathroom etiquette

LMAO haha this made my morning jev nice one, that toilet survey is so true though

shitty day, huh? laughed tears on reading.
"[...] not unlike someone firing up a Harley.[...]" that made my day!

The horror of blimps

---

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw
that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a
great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors
hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put
batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I
at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last
night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that
came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor
falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house,
terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so
easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the
blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went
to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating.
I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take
it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat
rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a
career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating,
the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the
living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the
staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping
peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly
tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large
levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent
through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that
there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the
darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and
listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing
presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes,
and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a
security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar
with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my
brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT
SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every
panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's
allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My
metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY s**t! FIGHT FOR YOUR
LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty
something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism
and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in
our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of
evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only
a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It
knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the
dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you
all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to
the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress
(not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my
underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell
over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when
you punch the living s**t out of it with all the stength that sudden
middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it
at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and
putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the
blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly
and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the
toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd
had.

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the
incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after
all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow
survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated
around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed
the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years
later I fell asleep.


***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't
aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is
was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the
suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the
appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as
I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an
evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

lmfao!!! haha this had me in tears i just love the way its written/worded(if thats even a word) genius pure genius, jev i demand more!!!

knowing i'm about to embark on a 16 hour shift at work helps put me in good spirits

An old one you might have seen

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2 If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"